Wednesday, December 21, 2011

This has been a rough Christmas for us. My husband is in the construction field and it is always feast or famine. We their is work there is always alot and when work slows down, it actually stops for a week or two. This year the work has slowed at the most crucial times. I have to say that the good Lord above has gotten us through. We waited until last night to get a tree, not because we procrastinated but because we couldn't afford it until my husband got paid last Friday. When we went to look for one at Home Depot or Lowes the ones they had were already brown and they still wanted 59.00. Home depot told us they would be getting another shipment of Trees in on Monday, so we waited. Monday came and I called them periodically through out the day all the way up till 7pm. Each call they said it was coming but hadn't arrived. Finally the last call I made they finally said it wasn't coming. I was heart broken. The only other option was going to the tent vendors along the side of the road. They are usually higher, a lot higher. Last night my husband was looking for all the tents on his way home from work and they had packed up and left, all but one. When he pulled in, they too were starting to pack up to go back to their own homes. My husband went down they discounted aisle and there is was, the very last tree an 8ft. Frasier fur. It is beautiful. The vendor told my husband they had just discounted the tree that day because of it's size and it was their last day here. The tree only cost us $40.00. I know it was God. I know He sat that tree aside for us. It's beautiful, no holes, it's not brown. It actually looks like it was just cut down. It fits perfect in our sunken living room. We have never had a tree this tall before because the prices are usually way too high. Thank you Lord for your blessings you bestow upon us daily.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Where are you Christmas? Faith Hill

This Christmas I feel like a lone tree. Somehow Christmas has left me and I long for days of past when I was so filled with the Christmas spirit that it flowed from my very being. Gone are those days. I am sadden and I have no tools to turn this around. There is turmoil within my family and it is not a quick fix and I am not even sure that it can be.

My husband and I are fine but it is our family that is surrounded by turmoil, immediate and extended included. I haven't even started decorating this year. I am always the one who decorates the store and this year I half halfheartedly put decorations along the front counter and that is where I stopped. It is not in me this year. I can't find it and I am not sure I have the strength too.

On an up note, I guess my crabby neighbor is glad. He always com[plains about how bright my house is each year. every year he comes into my store and says thankfully, "I see your took your Christmas lights down. Your house was so Bright it lite the whole street up." I always followed with, " You should be thankful we didn't get a chance to put them ALL up this year." He just looks at me then walks away. I swear each year that I will add more but, this year I will be lucky to get a few up.

My daughter has been drunk more days than sober the last 6 months. Last night her roommates were going to have her Baker Acted. The police refused...assholes. She needed to be Baker Acted. She was threatening to break a window and cut her wrists and her roommates had to restrain her. She called my mother thinking she had called me and was begging for her to come get her and then abruptly hung up. My mother called me back frantic and then the blame game started and we hung up on not good terms. I am waiting on a call from my sister who will them give me a tongue lashing about how my mother is almost 70 years old and I should just keep my mouth shut when she starts saying things because she is old. Maybe I should have, but I have bitten my tongue so much that I feel I have bitten the end right off and there is no more to clinch down on. She blames my husband, his grandmother and she won't come straight out and say it, but me as well. last night I confronted her on her rude and mean comments and she went ballistic. She started saying she had to get off the phone because I have upset her too much and she could feel her body reacting to the stress I had caused her. She reminded me several times that In had not been the ideal child and had a very sharp tongue. I guess I inherited it from you dear mother. I will admit I have often stated my opinions in the not so best of situations before. As I have grown older I have curbed that quite a bit. In my defense I was a child, what is her excuse? I love my mother dearly even though it does not seem so to the outsider at the moment. She was always there for me in the past. Since I have moved away our relationship has changed. I am now the black sheep that must watch every step or phone calls from the middle sister (the only one that calls) will come in. I haven't talked on the phone with my oldest sister in 12 years nor on facebook for that matter. She never responds to me. So be it.

My husband's grandmother is fighting with her children. One of her daughters told her that the grandmother could not ever move in with her if her Father died. She had better make plans to move into an old folks home. She was serious. Grandpop may not make it to another Christmas. He does not look good and is shutting down socially. He drinks heavily. Funny how he stopped all his meds so as the alcohol and meds mixed won't kill him. He doesn't realize not taking the meds is killing him. Nor does he realize the amount of alcohol he drinks is killing him faster. He goes no where. Never leaves the house unless it is to make sure Gram buys him more beer. 12 twelve packs must be kept in the closet at all times.

We are having Christmas at the Grandmothers this year because grandpop will not leave the house. The daughter decided this and has further made things bad between daughter and mother. It is a mess. Everyone is fussing about small things as well.

I plan on having our very own Christmas dinner with just the immediate family. We will do this when my son is able to come home in January. This will be our first Christmas apart.

Say a prayer for my family...We NEED it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Bible, Believe it or not

At this time of year many post religious thoughts or exerts from the Bible and I find myself wanting to challenge what they post. Since going to college I have realize that the Bible is not as pure as I once thought it was. Mankind has influenced and controlled what the bible contains for hundreds of years all in the name of power. There have been books of the bible completely left out because of their content. Who are we to change what God had deemed appropriate and wanted known and how are we NOW suppose to decipher what God said and what man has put in the Bible. The King James version is just that, a version King James found suited him and his needs. He was not a profoundly religious man, he found issues with the old Bible and wanted then changed so that he could get past certain religious obstacles without losing face to his people. He broke away from the Catholic Church and revised the bible to suit him.

So I am now left questioning my own faith and it's origins. Yes I do believe in God but in the bible there are many contradictions. God is a perfect God but yet He is Vain and Vengeful. We are suppose to be as perfect as we can humanly be and try our best to be as much like God as possible but being Vain and vengeful are sins. God makes no mistakes and Being gay is a sin, then why are babies born with both sexes and parents are forced to choose the sex without knowing the preferences of the child? We now know medically that DNA switches are being turned on and off within the parent which is then passed to the child which in turn can cause a child to be born a female and have preferences to mating with a female. So did God create a mistake or are our children being born condemned and why? God is a loving God so why would he create a condemned child at birth? Or was He not there during Conception and His hand wasn't in it?

I choose to believe our God is a just and loving God. He is perfect and does not create mistakes. He does not like nor will he tolerate evil, hatred, cruelty and being unforgiving. He created all life which includes homosexuals as well as heterosexuals. God loves us all. Being gay is as much a part of who a person is as their eye color and they have the same amount of choice in that part of who they are. So this Thanksgiving don't only be thankful but be loving, excepting and understanding of everyone.

Friday, July 15, 2011

For once in my life I realize that I absolutely am powerless over life and it is a had pill to swallow. I always thought that if something needed to be done, then there was always a way of getting it done. There was nothing I couldn't do and nothing could ever stand in my way until two days ago when my 22 year old daughter called me to tell me she has cirrhosis of the liver. If she doesn't stop drinking immediately then she has less than 7 years to live. She thinks it is reversible, but it is not. Once the damage has been done it is done. All you can do is stop the progression of the disease. I know this when she tells me. I understand more than she does. I am trying to stay calm for her when inside I and scared, terrified of what she has just told me. One, she has a terrible drinking problem that she has not been able to get under control and now she has to stop cold turkey or she will die in less than 7 years?!?!!! There is no word for the fear I have been feeling. She must be on a low sodium and low cholesterol diet the rest of her life and that is just the beginning.

I am angry. I am so angry...... I am angry that my great great ancestors felt fit to corrupt our genes with mental and physical abuse. That these genes have found their way into my life and has now stolen a part of my daughters life. I thought I stopped it when I left Jay, but I was fooling myself. The damage was already done, the abuse went too deep and she has not been able to get past it.I am angry at my ancestors for not stopping it before it reached me, my children, my daughter. Had my mother not been abused then she would not have married two child molesters. One having been my father. No my father never molested me, but he did my oldest sister. When I married Jay, I more or less married my father. Unlike my mother, I put the abuser of my child and me in prison. I thought with therapy it would be done with. My mistake was not doing long term therapy. My daughter was acting like a very normal child and I stopped my therapy because it was to painful. It seemed to keep things at the surface and too raw. When she entered her teen years I should have restarted the therapy for her, but she refused and said she was over all that years ago and she was no longer a victim. I committed the fatal mistake of denial and wanting to believe that she was right and what she was doing was being a normal teenager who was acting out. It is amazing how we can lie to ourselves. She refused therapy and said she would not participate. I did not make her go. My mother blames my husband and his family for her drinking because they drink. I know she blames me for staying with my husband as well. She is in denial as well. This is fully my fault and the cycle of abuse that my family has fallen into. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to keep from passing it on to my grandchildren. It has already touched my children.

No. It is not too late to make changes. No this is not a direct death sentence for my daughter if we fight hard enough against her disease. Yes, her life has been possibly shortened, but it is not over. I have not given up, I just do not know what to do. When she was laying in that hospital bed and they were flushing the alcohol from her system and I was watching her convulse with the pain. She looks at me and says, "One day I will make you proud of me mom." I just looked at her and said, "You very silly girl, I have been proud of you since birth. There hasn't been one single day that has passed that I have not been proud of you." I love that child with every fiber of my being and I have no idea why God blessed me with such a special child knowing what was in store for her because of my past. I have no idea why God allowed me to have children when I had no business doing so. Do not get me wrong. I love my children with all my heart, but I have passed on to them certain traits that has condemned them in a way. A father's sins shall be passed on to his children, I know now exactly what that means but how much more do we owe until that debt is paid?

Friday, November 05, 2010


On my 5th semester of college. Next September I will be able to apply for the nursing program. I have 5 more classes to take after this semester and I graduate with my AA. This gives me points towards the nursing program.

I am burned out and want a break that I can not afford to take. My husband started college with me at the beginning of fall and that actually has been alot of fun. We are taking history together in the spring, this should be interesting to say the least. I am actually looking forward to it.

Next semester I have to take Comm.II and because I am a gluten for punishment I am taking the same Ice Queen instructor I had for Comm. I. My husband tells me I am crazy for doing this. I believe he is right...

We now have new babies added to our family, Cookie and Saber. Saber is Tona's sister from another litter. They are completely spoiled and love it.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Shutting the Damn windows!

Update from early:

As I sat here enjoying my view and the breeze, a piece of pollen landed ever so gently in my eye and started tormenting the hell out of me. It must be ragweed, because only ragweed has this bad of an effect on me. I now have a huge blister forming inside my eye. Well, its really edema setting up in my eye. It's both painful and extremely itchy. No amount of flushing helps. I had to grab antihistamine to blocks the effects and wait....

The damn window is now closed!
Sorry that I have been such a bad blogger of late. I went over to facebook. I know, I know, It is nothing like my blog here. I have been catching up with family I haven't seen since I was 6 years old. It's been kinda cool, but like any new toy, the new weas off and your back to your comfy spot.

I guess I will always be here at Blogger. I may take vacations from time to time, but this is my home. I have bared and sunk too many roots here to up and leave.

Had a great time over Easter, but as usual, I did have to work that day, but I was home by 1 o'clock. Scott's parents were in and as usual they shocked us yet again. They are into hiphop. They had it on their ipods. I just about cracked up. They are so scared of growing old it is funny. I know I am turning 50 in 7 years and yes that is a scarey fact for me, but no way in hell am I going to start listening to hiphop and rap to stay young. Your as old as you think you are. My daughter tells me that all the time and ya know, I believe her.

Ihave decided to take a class over the summer and as I wrote I rolled my eyes. I am not looking forward to it, but I need the class to apply for the RN program this September. I am taking Microbiology, rolled my eyes again and exhaled. I am really not looking forward to it as the summer is a minimester. It has to be done, so there, I am doing it. Exhaled again.

We have decided to adopt another kitty. Husband has set his foot down and is demanding a black and white kitten and she must be female. Tonna's momma is pregnant again and if she has a black and white female, we are going to snatch the cutie pie up. We just love Tonna so we are very excited and hope there is a black and white kitten in the litter.

Spring is finally here, well at least the temps are here. I hated how cold it got this winter and couldn't wait to open the windows and leave them open. I am sitting here at my desk looking out the open window at our back yard. It's great. The pool is finally blue and the plants are getting ready to bloom. I can't wait.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

In Honor of:

It has been truely hard these past few weeks after Ashley's passing (The General, aka Sir Ashley III). We adopted him from a woman that was moving to an apartment building that would not allow her to keep him. The woman was elderly and the move was forced upon her because of finances.

Ashley earned his Nick name, "The General" because he cared for and kept the other cats in line. We have, had three cats. One is an escape artist. He knows to hang right at the corner of the door when people are coming in or out of the house, he is extremly quick. When ever he would escape and then caught, Ashley would chase him around the house and smack him right on the behind. He would then lay on and wash the offender untill he felt that all outside contaminates were washed away.

One day in particular, escapee had escaped unnoticed untill he ran across a strange cat in the yard. Growling and hissing erupted in the backyard. Ashley who was sitting at me feet leaped up and ran straight through the sliding screen door, taking it off it's hinges and wedging between the patio and the ceiling. He ran straight for the intruding cat and ran him off saving peach's dairy air. You see Peaches is a lover not a fighter.

When our other cat Oreo was dying, he never left her side. When we brought her home to bury her, Ashley kissed her paws.

Ashley was a very special cat. I have a million and one memories for which I am thankful for. Though we may bring another cat into our home and it will have it's own special personality for us to love, there can never be another one like our General. He and Oreo are laying side by side under a beautiful oak tree in our back yard. Oreo's tombstone is a beautiful cross my husband made with her name on it and Ashley's is a large beautiful stone that is oddly shaped like a cat's head, which also bares his name. I felt it fitting since Ashley was steadfast and solid just like that stone.

We love you Ashley, Thank you for giving us a good life...


Friday, February 26, 2010

Good bye gave us a good Life

We lost a family member, The General. He passed away 2/15/10 at 11:35am. I was at school I am sorry to say, but he took his last breath in my husbands arms. We were going to take him to the vet after I got home from school. I cried like a baby the night before, telling my husband I just didn't think I could do it. The General had been with us for 12 years. He was the alpha cat and protected all the others. There will never be another like him.

We miss him something fierce.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I would love to post something exciting, humorous or at least something interesting, but I've got nothing.

I do have A's in most of my classes at the moment which is a plus. Philosophy is proving harder than expected.

I still hate my job, the only thing that has changed is that maybe I hate it more now????
On that note, a customer walks in the door throws his hands up in the air and shouts, "Pump 7 is gone! Just Gone! It has went blank and is beeping. I put my card in and it just went down!" I look at my co-worker and tell her, " I'll check it out." I walk outside and as I am walking past another gentlemen he calls out to me and says, " It's not working cause he beat the hell out of it."
I look at the irate customer and ask him, "Did you do that?" Irate customer, "Hell ya, it wouldn't take my card!" Me, exasperated, " Really, Really..You start beating on a machine that is worth thousands of dollars because it won't take your card, then you complain that it's not working?" Long story short I get his info and it's between him and Sunoco now. I just can't believe people. Their stupidity amazes me. Each day brings new levels.

I told my husband the other day that if I do get my degree in nursing, that if there is a floor just with just coma patients on it, that's where I'm working...


Thursday, February 04, 2010

down in the dumps...

I am so down in the dumps. I have no idea as to why. School has lost it's appeal and I hate my job. I have a cold on top of it all which does not help. I feel like I am moving through life just existing to exist. What the hell is wrong with me? where has all my fire gone? I know everyone has bad days, but this has been going on for weeks. I can't shake it and because I can't shake it I am irritated about it.

I think I'll go call my best friend, she always seems to help. If she doesn't answer, I guess I'll just go clean the toilets..... Even my humor sucks.


Friday, January 15, 2010


I went to my philosophy class last night and I have to admit I wasn't sure what to expect, but I did not expect to question wither there is a God or not or His place in this world. I am concerned about this. Though my belief is strong, my teachings of the bible is not, so therefore my foundation is weak. I do not go to church on a regular bases and feel that I need to at least start some kind of a relationship with a pastor of some sort. I do not want this class to shake my foundation.

I do like the class so far and the instructor seems fairly nice. This class is the type of class that makes you think, hence philosophy. Last night we left with the thought, "is something holy because God loves it? or does God love it because it is holy?" The instructor posed that if it was holy because God loved it, then that meant anything that was holy was subject to change if God changed his mind. On the other hand, If God loved it because it was holy, then that meant that holiness was independent of God and we did not need God to be holy. Placing God on a lower level in the universe. I went up to the instructor after class and asked him, If God is everywhere and in everything that is holy, then wouldn't that make what is holy an extension of Him therefore, it would not exist independently of Him? He asked me if I was raised Catholic because that was a very Catholic view. I said no and I didn't get an answer...

We are supposed to go further into this subject next week....until then I guess....I feel like Socrates, who never got his answer...


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Still have one more class to go and I will have met all my instructors. psychology teacher is nice, so false alarm, but my fitness instructor I think is AWOL from the military. He is a coach and very stern. He unlike my psychology instructor, is coming off exactly the way he planned to. He even said at the end of his introduction, " If I am scaring you then this class may not be for you."

what he expects:

To arrive to school 30Min's. before class. 9:25 is when class starts, if there is a quiz that day and you arrive at 9:26 you will not be admitted to class and will receive a zero for the quiz along with losing 10 points off your final grade. If you do not bring a towel, you lose another 10 points and will not be admitted to class. If you do not wear tennis shoe, guess what? You lose another 10 points and will not be admitted to class. Miss 3 classes and you will be withdrawn or failed.

Our home work was to list all 20 exercise equipment and know how to use it and what muscle groups they work. I just know if I go to lift something wrong he is going to scream at me. He seems the creaming type....this will not be good as I will back his ass up two steps and explain to him how to show someone some respect and how to receive it. I'm going to end up in the Dean's office, I just know it. I don't like his style...I hope that I am reading him wrong...I
would love to be wrong on this one, but I don't think so.

I have philosophy tonight, God Help me....why did I take all these crazy classes?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Back to School....

Yep, I'm officially back to school today and my old crazy life it bad to be wishing for the end of the semester already? Wish me luck.


Friday, January 08, 2010

Homework Already?!

Can you believe it? I have home work already and the damn semester doesn't even start officially until Monday. My Psychology instructor has already put his syllabus on line, sent us all emails stating we need to have read the first Chapter and went over the power point that is also on line before class and be ready to discuss it. I have a feeling this instructor is going to be very demanding and unforgiving and that scares me. I am hoping like hell I can make it through this semester.

Oh, well, I like challenges, I just hate failing them. I'll just have to make sure I don't fail. One instructor is not going to stand in my way. I have already started reading the chapter and it is very interesting, which is a major plus. I just hope he is a good teacher and doesn't take the fun out of this class. His syllabus threatens failure all the way through it, which is scary as well. If you don't do this you will fail, Failure to comply to this and you will not pass and so on and so on. I hate an instructor that feels they must dominate from the beginning, show they are a bad ass...I wonder if he is compensating for something he does not have...Hmmmm, don't want to know, don't care. I have already decided I'm going to beat this man and pass his freaking class with an "A". I also laughed and told my husband that I am going to every class with a low cut shirt as well...Hey it can't hurt..right? Right? I know, I know...I would never do that, could never do that. I have too much pride.

I have the whole day to myself, my husband, bless his poor soul, is at work in this cold (working out doors in it), my son's will be at school. I have no car today, which excuses me from any errands that may have needed to be ran. My husbands car decided it need a vacation and barely made it in the drive way yesterday. Yes, my husband can fix it, but it was the last thing we needed right now. Thank God, in many ways, that I have the day off from work.

Easy dinner tonight as well, homemade potato soup and grilled ham & swiss cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread. Comfort food that fits perfect for this weather. Tomorrow we are going to have homemade Chili, which is to die for. We are having the Chili tomorrow night since it is suppose to snow and be colder and the Chili is pretty spicy. I serve it with tortilla chips, tomatoes, chives, sour cream and shredded Cheddar cheese on the side. My husband adds hot sauce and peperoncini peppers. I prefer my peperoncini peppers with a salad instead.

I plan on curling up on the couch with my pyschology book and finishing that first chapter with notes in tow and then curling up next to my computer and going through that damn power point so I can look that instructor in the face and blast him with all kinds of questions. I hope he's ready....which I'm sure he will be.

So, off to the couch I go.....


Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I Honestly thought we moved to East Central Florida eleven years ago, really...but I swear the temps out side says differently. I know, I know, it gets way colder in other places, but when you live in a tropical area you tend to expect tropical temps. Twenty-seven degrees is pretty dang cold for my neck of the woods. It's damp here so that makes the cold that much more penetrating. We almost never turn on our heat, but maybe once or twice a year. My heat has been kicking on and off for the past three days and it is set at sixty-eight degrees. I have been walking around wrapped up like an Eskimo, yes I am a big baby when it comes to being cold. I hate it.

School starts on the eleventh and I am dreading it and that is not like me. I'm already worried about the heavy schedule I have chosen for myself. I am filled with self doubt after the terrible semester I just came out of. Not an "A" in sight last semester, I had all B's and I struggled for those B's. My GPA took a real hit and I have to get that back up there before I apply for nursing school. I can do it as long as work doesn't interfere and my husband doesn't get insecure again this semester like he did last semester. Our schedules are just crazy and we never get to see each when I am in school. It wears on you after a while and I'm going on my fourth semester with at least two more semester's ahead of me.

I am looking forward to one class though and if it is what my advisor said it is, then I will have a fitness slash nutrition class. I need to exercise and loose some weight. I just plan need to be more physically active. I am hoping it will boost my energy level. I get so tired very easily now. It's a bit scary and I am wondering if I might need to make a trip to a doctor. It's weird cause as soon as I eat, I get so tired start nodding off if I sit still to long. I did this in class a couple of times last semester. It was terrible, I would keep shifting around in my seat ,stretching my legs, drink some water, and taking deep breath to keep myself from nodding off. Still, that didn't work. One time I actually drifted off while taking notes. Thank God I had a tape recorder. I think I may have an issue with my blood pressure. Everything I learned in Anatomy points to me having high blood pressure and having a fitness class will really help if I do.

I have a full day today, my youngest son has a dentist appointment at 9:40. I have to call my husbands dentist because yesterday while at work he chipmunked out again on one side of his face. I believe he has an infection, no I know he has an infection, but from what? Today was my day off, but have been called in to work anyway, and I have to call the college support desk because once again they have locked me out of my account where I get all my grades, schedule and other important information. It happens at least 3 to 4 times a semester. Drives me insane because that is time spent that I could be doing something else important. It happened toward the end of last semester and I should have taken care of it then, but chose not to, so here I am in crunch time again doing what I do best.

Last night while at work, I had this huge line in front of me and a woman was next in line. She was thin as a rail, her face looked like it had been aged by drugs and her front teeth had the very tell-tell signs of a heavy meth user. I couldn't tell her age. She looked like she could be younger, but with the heavy drug use, who knew? She wanted cigs and some gas, so I carded her. She starts going off, "It's in the GOD DAMN car, I'm F_ _KING thirty-three years old! " Me, "You have to have your ID on you when you buy cigarettes mam and once I ask for it and know you don't have it on you, I can't sell it to you until I see it by law." Her, " Just give me the GOD DAMN gas for now. How much are the cigs any way?!" Me, " $5.95" Her, " Awe F_ _K that! I'll go some where else, just give me the DAMN gas!" Me, " How much do you need and what pump are you at?" Her, " I don't know....Give me $8.00 on ....I don't know what pump..the far one...( we have eight pumps and "the far one" could be any)...the white car." There were currently 3 white vehicles at the pumps, so I ask her, "what type of car mam, there are 3 other white vehicles out there and two are not yet pumping gas?" Her, " For F_ _ K's SAKE!" She steps back and looks out the door then says, "pump one!" Pump one is the closest pump, but I say nothing and set her pump. She hands me a twenty dollar bill and says, " Hurry up with my F _ _ KING change!" I'm trying to keep my cool here and go to hand her back her change and she grabs my hand along with her change and pulls real hard. I immediately reacted by grabbing on to her hand and pulling her toward the counter and saying, "Lady, do you realize that what you have just done is assaulted me in front all these people and now what I am doing is reacting in self defense, you better be glad I don't take this a step further. Don't EVER step foot in this store again or I will call the police on sight." I let go of her hand and she just looked at me. I pointed to the door and said,"NOW." she turns and sees all the people looking at her, my co-worker looking at me and at her and she leaves. Everyone thinks I am so sweet and nice. They don't realize I have it in me to stand my own ground. The next customer in line slapped his ID on the counter smiling and said, " All I need is is gas on pump 6. Here's a twenty and I don't want any change back." I laughed and said, " Then why are you still standing here holding my line up?" He said, "I was afraid to leave until you told me I could." Some customers are great and then you have the ones that make you wonder what the hell your doing working in a place like that. I know what I did was not professional. I also realize it was dangerous, but I also know that if you show fear in that job, your done for. I earn every dime of my paycheck and then some.

Monday, January 04, 2010

I put up some new pictures from Christmas and Thanksgiving of my family.
The season is over and I hate that. It always depresses me to take all the decorations, especially the Christmas tree. I know this sounds crazy, but I always have to say goodbye to the tree, thanking it for being such a special part of our family for a short while. I think it is guilt that a beautiful tree was cut down to serve us and then we throw it to the curb when we are done. Kills me every year.

Christmas was way too short for me this year. I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day which totally sucked. I did get home Christmas Day by 10:00 am, but people were coming over at noon and that left very little personal family time around the tree. This year my husband got me something I really needed and I love him for it. He got me a brand new HP computer with a 20 inch flat screen. The flat screen is key here, my old computer had the old bulky monitors that took up my whole desk leaving no room for my books. You would not believe how much room I have now. It's like I got a new desk as well. I love it. The computer has windows 7 on it, everyone says it's the best, I personally have no clue. All I know is, Things are a bit harder for me to find on it.

I have to say my husband knows me better than I know myself. I wanted a laptop, like really bad. After I seen this computer and thought about me trying to carry that laptop plus books to school....the laptop would have went to school one day and I would have been stuck with a much smaller laptop, smaller screen, sitting on my desk. I would have been sad.

I also got a new digital camera, which I totally love. I have been snapping pictures of everything and video tapping...I still don't know what all it does, but it's cool. I also got the "Pink " CD that I have been wanting forever. It's the "Fun House Tour", the CD also came with a DVD of the tour as well, pretty cool. She wrote some of the songs on here when her and her husband were going through their divorce. They are back together now, but the songs she wrote were during my own time of trial. I love the song "Please Don't leave Me" because well that was how I was before the separation. I love the song, "I Don't Believe You" because that was me during the separation. I also love her song, "U + UR Hand" because well, that's just funny and spoke how I felt a many of time when going out with my friends in my younger years. I can't forget to mention the song, "Crystal Ball"....This CD is another step in my healing. I have always liked Pink. I like her fire and how she is not afraid to be different or speak her mind. She also very soulful as well.

I have to say the CD is one of my favorite gifts. I am easy that way. Words mean everything to mean, the way you can put them together and reach right out and touch someones soul when they read them or hear them. I owe that to my dear grandmother. She showed me the wonderful world of books and how important words are, they can heal or they can maime, words should never be taken lightly.

Back to a lighter note, we had a very wonderful Christmas. Family was together and there wasn't any fighting going on. It was perfect. Grandpop stopped drinking and looks better than I have seen him in many years. There was much laughter and lots of time spent talking of good past times. I was reminded that we just don't know if anyone will be missing from our Christmas table next year and we need to love and treasure every moment we have. I think that is another reason I was snapping pictures like crazy this year. Capture every moment you can, anyway that you can.

That is what I want to do in the coming year, surround myself with family and friends and capture every moment.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

All Wrapped Up With a Bow

Ahhhhh. The satisfaction of being ready, all gifts bought, house decorated and yes the non-Charlie Brown tree has also been bought and decorated.

My daughter and her girlfriend spent the weekend with us last weekend. I loved every minute of it. We all decorated the tree together. I think this tree is the most beautiful tree we have had in many years. I'll have to post a picture of it soon.

This Christmas has to be one of the best in many a year. The family is all gathering here again. My family is finally healing from past hurts. I am thankful of this. I have prayed for God to teach me how to let go and though moments of memories flash up, they are not as hurtful. I am overwhelmed by a feeling of love that somehow has broken through the rage and left me with the satisfaction and knowledge that the space she has been renting in my brain is at the end of it's lease. Thank-you God. I was fearful of this time of year and how it would effect me and him. I was always afraid he would think of her and miss her. I have imagined and allowed myself to believe she still had some kind of hold on my husband, but for some reason, I am more confident in his love for me. Our foundation is becoming more firm and I am starting to believe in it. That is a scary thing for me to admit. My whacked up way of thinking is to believe in the worst, that way you are prepared for it and if nothing bad happens, then all the better. I know it is a self preservation way of thinking, but what a horrible way to live. In fact it is a fear of living. I don't want to live that way anymore. There, that is my New Years resolution, to live without fear and to believe good things are meant for me and that I do deserve them. I think I thought to believe I deserved good things was to believe I was better than others....isn't that crazy? Everyone deserves good things to happen in their life. I somehow thought I wasn't worthy. And do you know what is messed up about that thinking? It is that if you don't think your worthy neither does anyone else and that's why they treat you the way they do. I have become my own therapist, it's a shame, I'll have no one to sue if I become worse due to said therapy.

On another note( a lame attempt to make this lighter), I had a great weekend off if you don't count the 5:00 am , 5:39 am, 6:00 am phone calls wondering where the key for the ice chest was. I finally answered the phone saying, " did you look beside the lotto machine where it is always kept?" Co-worker, "umm, no....Oh here it is, thanks" Me, "What wonders, imagine that?" I hang-up. Ok, I know that was rude, but it was the first whole weekend off in over 9 months when I could sleep in next to my hubby. I had talked about it all week long about how I was going to be able to sleep in with my hubby because with mine and his schedule, that never happens. My days off are never with his. Co-worker was well aware of this. Co-worker is well aware of where the keys are kept. On Monday I found out that they had called my boss as well, but he turned his cell phone off when he listened to the message. This made matters worse. He is salary while I am hourly. I do not get paid when answering calls at home about work. F_ _ker. Ok, lighter note was not achieved.

I already know what hubby has gotten me for Christmas, no I did not snoop, I pouted it out of him, but he will not allow me to have them until Christmas day, you know...after work...sigh...
So, I am not going to tell you what it is until then either, so there..all must suffer...I am sure you are hanging on to your seat from that one, still, I will not tell other than to say it is killing me to wait. I think knowing and having to wait is worse, for me that is.

Now it is off to work for me....I won't have another day off until Monday, boss is leaving for his vacation at noon today and I will be in charge of the store. It's a given it will be a shambles when he gets back. I am not yet trained for taking over the store. I have told him this and his answer is, "No worries, but promise me you will still be here when I get back?" Me, "Sure I will, with my two week notice in hand..." He knows I was kidding, with this economy, who's gonna quit their job? He may lose his for not making sure I was trained properly, But me...I will still be there..I hope.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

We have started putting up our Christmas lights. I am so excited about this. A new house, a new look. We are going to shock the heck out of our neighbors. They don't realize just how many lights we always put up at Christmas. It is a given fact that when all the lights go up, I can't use my microwave while the lights are on or we blow a fuse. Of course that was in the other house, who knows what will happen here.

When we first started putting up lights at the old house, no one on the street ever put up lights. Every year that pasted, more and more people started joining in on decorating their houses. It was way cool. We had a friendly competition with one of our neighbors. They are way better off than us and had cooler lawn lights, but we had just as many lights as they did. Then someone started vandalizing their lights every year and they have stopped putting them up all together now. The street got alot darker at Christmas and was pretty sad, now we have moved away and the street is all that much darker.

We live just a few streets over from where we use to because we didn't want the kids completely up rooted. They still live in the same neighborhood as their friends and go to the same schools as before. I have a hard time going down that street though. The bank finally put our house up for sell. They updated the kitchen and painted the house, I doubt they will get what they want out of the house though, not with the market the way that it is. The reason I know about the kitchen and painting of the house is our old neighbors feel the need to tell us what the bank is doing with "our" house. I know they mean well, but we just don't really want to know. If the bank gave us that house back for free, I wouldn't move back in. Yes, there are good memories there, but there are also some pretty bad ones. I think I would have to have the place blessed and exercised before I would even think of moving back....even then I would want to knock the whole house down and rebuild something new.

That is what we are trying to do here, build something new. It's one of the reasons why the lights are important to me this year, more than any other year. A Birth of a new life, a new beginning. Neither of us are who we use to be, thank God for that. I checked a million lights yesterday before work. I passed hubby in traffic, he was coming home and I was just going in. I had dinner cooked and ready for him, so he and the youngest put up the lights that I had checked. Now all I have to do is go through the other million and one lights we have left to put up.

We haven't gotten our tree yet. If I'm not too tired after work tonight, we are going to go pick one out. Hubby is worried we might get stuck with a Charlie Brown tree. I kindly reminded him that the way trees cost this year all we can afford is a Charlie Brown tree and to stop worrying, we got plenty of time. He didn't think that was too funny. on the other hand I did, I find strength in our poverty, I always have. Families tend to forget what matters the most when money is abound. It's not the gifts, it's the time spent together, the reminiscing about about past times. It's about being in the kitchen and making cookies together, curling up on the couch and watching "The Christmas Carol" (The old one with George C. Scott or the Muppet's, the only versions I'll watch), or listening to Christmas music while the family decorates the tree together and then reading the story of Christmas. That is what Christmas is to me, spending time with my family, re bonding and re birthing our love for one another and occasionally we are blessed with adding a new member to our family. We have two this year so far. One is my daughter's new girlfriend and our new kitten.

On Good Friday we had to put to rest one of our cats, Oreo. Fortunately we had a wonderful vet. She cried with us when we had to make the decision to put Oreo to sleep. She prayed with us and was ever so gentle with Oreo. Oreo developed a tumor in her lungs that was extremely aggressive. She was perfectly healthy one week and then a week and a half later she was gone. When the vet diagnosed Oreo, she told us to take her home, that it wasn't time yet, and to love on her and Oreo would let us know when she was ready. The Vet was so right, we kept Oreo at night in our room and the night before we put her to rest she came up and licked us both in the face and settled down between us for a long and labored night of breathing. We got zero sleep that night and made the call the next morning. When the vet gave her the first shot, Oreo started to purr, it was her way of letting us know, it was alright and it was what she wanted. Even the vet started to cry. When the second shot was administered Oreo was at peace. Our vet told us to bring her home and let the other cats see her and allow them to grieve as well. I had always thought you shouldn't do this, an old wise tale that it would cause your other animals to to grieve themselves to death, but she told us that it was the opposite, not letting the other cats know what happened to her would upset them. So we took her home and showed her to the other cats. I was amazed at how they acted. Ashley, the old general walked up to her and kissed her paws while Peaches kept smelling her and looking up at us and then laid down beside her.We buried her under a large oak tree in the back. My husband made her a cross with her name inscribed on it and I have planted a peace lily on her grave. We miss her terribly and as I wrote this, I have sat her and bawled like a baby.

On Easter Katana was born and we were able to bring her home 8 weeks later. I know this may sound crazy, but I feel that God blessed us with Katana. She is more human that cat, honestly. She sleeps above my head on what we call her nursey pillow. There are raised flowers on it that she nurses on before she will go to sleep and if you disturb her while she is sleeping she will start nursing again to fall back asleep, just like a baby. On her back and down her spine to the beginning of her tail, she has an outline of a sword. The hilt of the sword is shaped like a cats head and begins at the top of her head. I feel this is God's way of saying Oreo's spirit is with Him and He has given Katana to us in return. Her markings are extremely unique and symbolic to me. She is a tortoise shell calico, with lots of red highlights and greenish eyes. She is my baby and can do no wrong, except when she tries to eat my parrot, then we have issues.

I have alot to be thankful for this Christmas and even though I will be working on Christmas day ( boss decided to take his vacation starting Dec.22 and will not return until after the New Year) I plan to keep a joyful heart....I swear....really....even as I'm rising at 3am to open a store on Christmas Morning while others will be gathering around the tree, creating memories, laughing.....My heart will be joyful!


Monday, December 14, 2009

The semester is done and all exams are taken, now it is time to celebrate!! I struggled so hard this semester. I never found my grove and barely made it through. I have never looked so forward to an end like I did this semester. I do not go back to school until Jan. 11th, 2010.

I never thought I would say this, but I am sooo very glad to be done with Anatomy & Physiology. 2 semesters of it. Dr. Harvey made it extremely interesting. I was in awe of this man, now get your heads out of the gutter, I was in awe because of all he has accomplished in his life and the knowledge he had to share. He use to run several departments at the CDC (Center of Disease Control) in Atlanta. The stories he would tell about his time there made the class extremely interesting. I thought I would be sad to know that there would be no more classes to learn from this man, but nope. As I finished my exam, I exhaled a long deep breath. I gathered my belongings and my test and walked up to his desk. He was already standing, took my test then gave me a hug goodbye. He whispered holiday wishes and said how he enjoyed having me in his classes and wished me luck with my endeavors. I felt a bit uncomfortable with this. Now mind you, he did this with a couple of the other students, so he meant no harm. I just let very few people in to my inner space and in my inner space there are only 3 males allowed there. My husband of course and my two son's, all other males must stay 2ft away. I just smiled back at him and said thank-you and walked away feeling relieved. I told my husband about this and he said, " You know it's your fault he hugged you?" I was shocked and said, "Why?!" My husband laughed and reminded me about the end of the first semester and how I handed in my exam. Let me explain, I handed in my test, Dr Harvey was sitting at his desk and when I leaned slightly to hand him my test, he smiled real big and said, "Thanks, enjoy your summer." I walk out into the hall and look down and realized the button on my v-neck shirt had popped open and apparently Dr. Harvey got a pretty good view of my DD cleavage. Needless to say I was embarrassed. So, when my husband reminded me of that, I laughed and said, "That was a total accident!" My husband said, "Yeah, but he was probably hoping for a bit more." Well, he didn't get it cause I wore a sweat shirt with a hoody and jeans this time. My husband laughed and told me I could forget those bonus points now. I just shot him a look. Things always happen to me.

On another note, we finally started putting up our christmas lights outside. I am so excited about this. New house, new look. While my husband is at work I'm going to start getting the inside decorated. We went through all the boxes and brought them into the dinning room last night for me to put out today. My daughter called while we were doing this to ask me a question about her tree. This is the first year she has bought a real tree to put up. She wanted to know how to make the limbs fall. I told her to put it in the tree stand and let it sit over night and make sure you water it. She wasn't happy she had to wait. I miss her so much. Here's a picture I took of her at Thanksgiving. Ok, it went to the top of the page and I can't get down here where I want it. I think she is beautiful, so I'll leave it where it is.
Well, the decorations are calling and so is my Christmas spirit.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Has anyone noticed that they have released and licensed all the assholes in the world?

Every Thursday evening I have to take both of my sons to their perspective destinations. My youngest goes to tutoring (in-laws pay for it) on one side of town and my oldest son to a night class so he can graduate on time on the other side of town. Last Thursday I am driving the youngest to his perspective destination listening to Christmas music on the radio. We are both singing alone with the music when a man in a truck comes flying up along side of me. Clearly he is speeding and the van in front of him is doing the speed limit. He decides he wants to go around this van and swerves over into my lane, missing my bumper by and inch along with the van in front of him. I honk my horn...nothing..he flies down the road. My heart is pumping, I look over at my son and thank God we weren't in an accident, then...I get mad..really mad. Just because this man wanted to get home fast, sneak over to the girlfriends house for a quickie before going home to the unsuspecting wife, who knows who cares, he almost messed up two families lives with his dangerous driving. I see my opportunity to tell him so at the next light. He's in the left turning lane at the light..perfect..As we pull up I roll down my window and tell him, "that was pretty dangerous what you did back there, you almost hit me and the van in front of you, I'm glad my family doesn't have to burying my son and me for Christmas" The light changes, the man gives me the finger and says, "F_ _ K YOU, BITCH" and turns. I holler as loud as I can, "Merry Christmas, Asshole" Shocked at what I did, I look over at my twelve year old son to tell him I'm sorry and that I shouldn't have called that man an asshole and my son points out his rolled down window and there sitting beside us is a cop. I think, great now I'm gonna get a ticket for road rage. The cop smiles, salutes me and says, "Merry Christmas Mam" After the light changes and we drive away, I tell my son I should have never have called that man that name and my son says, " well the cop thought it was pretty funny." I thought to myself, what great role models we just displayed for my son.....lovely. I try to explain to my son that that man could have gotten a ticket for reckless driving and that we both could have gotten a road rage ticketand that was the least of things. I could have gotten us both shot by hollering at that man and blah, blah, was all lost on him. Here's another page to add to my perfect parenting book of what not to do.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Sorry I haven't posted lately, With Thanksgiving and finals coming up next week, I have just been to busy. I'm taking a much needed break from studying to give my brain a rest.

Thanksgiving actually went well. The Turkey was all that we feasted upon this year, no one ended up pecked to death this year. I am surprised, happily surprised. The food all turned out great, this year my husband did most of the cooking. He is actually a really good cook, better than me ...... Yes I said that out loud....and yes, it is true...there I said it. I wasn't surprised that the food turned out good, I was surprised we did have any uncontrollable surprises, like the oven stopped working mid way through..that has happened. We had plenty of food and were all rolling around the house by the end of the day.

Tomorrow I have to take hubby to have 3 wisdom teeth removed. This is being done a 6:45am. They are going to put him to sleep for this procedure. He picked to be put to sleep. He has had 1 wisdom tooth pulled already and that was a disaster. It was hacked out ( yes, hacked) by a different dentist. It took this dentist FIVE hours to remove this tooth. My husband felt most of it since it was not numbed properly, hence him choosing to be a sleep this time. The dentist actually climbed up in the chair with my husband trying to get better leverage to pull said wisdom tooth. He ended up with 9 stitches and a huge fear of dentist. The new dentist promises it will only take him 15 minutes to pull said teeth, my husband still wants to be put under. Let me just put in right here, my husband has never had surgery where he was knocked out. He is terrified of this as well. He has been driving me crazy all week saying he hopes he doesn't die. You know, I know there are risks and I truly do understand he fear, really...but he has been literally driving me crazy with the fear of his choice. I have told he call the dentist and tell them you just want to be numbed....he immediately says no way, he wants to be out of it. I so want to find the hack dentist and smack him on the back of the head, just a quick smack....crack.... and say, see what you have done and burn his Internet degree.

He (hubby) has already told me that he needs to be entertained while laid up. I'm like yeah well, I'll make sure the remote is handy. Ok, I know that sounds cold....I do plan to make sure that he is comfortable and he gets his meds and when he is allowed to eat, bring him food and such, but entertain? I have exams I have to study for, two papers to write that are part of exams and my only days off are today and tomorrow. Am I horrible? I feel bad, but I have to study. I'll be glad when this semester is over. I am ready for a break.

My daughter starts college next fall, I can't wait. She will be attending the same college as me. I am so stoked. No, I doubt we will have any classes together as she clearly states she is not interested in going into the medical field. She is not sure what she wants to go for so she is just going to go for her basic classes for now until she decides, but still, we will be there together...I'm so excited...though, I'm sure she isn't as excited about that as I am.

Well, my break must end here. I must return to my studies....


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Did I mention that I am taking general psychology this semester? Well I am. I find this class very interesting. I wish I could really devote some time to this class. Time is a big issue with me this semester. One of the saving graces I have had with this class though is that most of the illnesses or subjects we discuss I can put a name with to help me remember for test time. For instance, Oh..that one is my dad and this one is my psycho ex-husband or that is my in-laws, etc. I have often wondered if the rest of the class does the same or am I the lucky one that has had all types of disturbed people walk through my life? Then I wonder, what effect does this have on me? I mean, planning someone downfall in the middle of the night and going to sleep with a smile on my face is normal, right......right?

My instructor warned us not to diagnose people in our lives. She warned us that a lot of the symptoms could be found in people we know, but that by no means meant that they were this or that. Still I had no problem putting faces with different types of disorders to family members, ex- family members, ex-employers, etc. has helped me through the course. I am sure that most of the faces I have put with these disorders are not fair, but it has been fun to remember them this way.

My husband was worried I would do this to him, he didn't want me to "diagnosed" him. We have already went through a class that was like a self-help class and he hated it. I had to write a journal and assess and reassess decisions in my life, who I am and who I want to be. It made me an emotional mess for a short time. He hated that class, but it was during my first semester and the timing had a lot to do with it.

Turkey day is just two days away for us, we are celebrating on Friday as that is the day most can have off or work with other family gatherings. In ways I am really looking forward to it and in others I am dreading the hell out of it. Drinking is not an option for me this year since I have to open the store the next morning and have to be there by 4:00am, total bummer. It would be nice to know that if things get too hairy, I could tie one on to get through the day, fat chance. I can't even remember the last time I actually tied one on.....I'm to flipping responsible and plus the fact that I hate hanging my head in the toilet for hours on end recthing my guts out with my head feeling like a marching band is marching in circles inside it. I always swear that at the end of each semester I am going to get smashed.....I never do. What is wrong with me? Like I said, most times it is the thought of the morning after that curbs any desire to get smashed. It just doesn't balance out for me. The fun I had the night before is just not worth the pain the next day, no matter how much fun I have. Just can't see it. Oh well, I'll just have to stick with, " at the end of the semester I am going to get tipsy". See, it just doesn't sound all that great or fun, or stress relieving that way. Oh My God...I'm getting old.....That's what is wrong with me....I'm getting old and boring.

On that note, I'm leaving to go take my geritol and go lay down....for poops they even sell that anymore? I'm so flipping old......


Friday, November 20, 2009

I have 4 more classes until the end of this semester and believe me I am thankful. I am looking forward to the break in between. I over loaded myself this semester, of course I do that every semester. A break will be very nice.

Taking all these medical classes has made me very aware of how bad my life style is and makes me wonder just when I am going to fall over dead. I am in the top 3 categories of what causes cancer, strokes and heart attacks. I am over 40, I smoke, I don't get enough exercise and finally my sodium intake is twice what it should be. It's pretty scary knowing your in the top 3. Have I changed anything I don't have the time to exercise and if I tried to stop smoking now I would make the evening news, "Woman stops smoking and goes on a killing rampage." Sodium intake, well I never salt my food as it is, the sodium is already in the food I eat. Did you know that diet drinks are loaded with sodium? Diet Dr.Pepper is the worst. Can veggies are not your friends and never ever eat out. If a food is convenient stay away from it. Great, I'm short on time and now I have to stand over a stove and cook long drawn out meals.
I am trying to look at it this is like sex, if it's quick it's no good.

Switching gears, This Thanksgiving the in-laws are coming to our house. I'm not sure how I feel about this. In some ways I am happy, happy not to have to drive anywhere. In some ways I am over whelmed, we are doing all the cooking, cleaning and I have finals coming up. People will be coming in shifts, Grandparents will be here all day. The Aunt and cousins are coming around 4:30 and so is my daughter and her girlfriend. My Husbands parents live out of state and are not coming this year. My family lives out of state and are not coming. I don't think I could handle my family together with my husbands family. My family harbors alot of anger toward his family. I think I would have to get a prescription for that event. My mother and his grandmother in the same room would be disastrous. Someone would be going to the hospital for sure and probably me from a freaking melt down. My husband's family remind me of a group of vultures. None of them are happy and pick at each other to feel better about who they are and where they are in life. My family has never been that way. We love each other with faults intact. We don't talk about an issue unless that person has brought it up, then we try to be helpful. Mind you we do have our quarrels, but we usually do not set out to harm. It's different with my husbands family, just know Turkey is not thing only thing that will be devoured at our Thanksgiving dinner and nothing is safe, not even the animals. My poor bird is a good example. He has never been the same since the grandparents lived with us. He now has mental issues and squawks at the mere sight of them and will not stop until I put a blanket over his cage. Can birds have nervous breakdowns? Mine is definitely on the edge.

I guess since it is Thanksgiving, I should think about what I am thankful for. I am thankful My children are all in good health. My daughter is turning her life around and is starting college this fall. Thank you God. She has her driving permit, she now realizes the dangers and her mortality while driving, another prayer here...God, please keep her and others safe while driving. I am thankful for my husband and our marriage and in a strange way I am thankful for the chance to have realized just how important that is to me. With as stubborn and pigheaded as I am, I don't think I would have learned any other way. I am admitting one of my faults here, this is a rare moment..damn two faults..extremely rare. I am thankful for my home and for my job. I am thankful for the $1.50 an hour raise I have just received. I am thankful for my husband's job, his boss is a dick, but I am thankful all the same. I am thankful for the animals I have and their good health( 3 cats 1 bird) . I am thankful for my car, it's paid for and can get me from point A to point B and that is all I need. I am thankful for my family and their health along with my husband's family. I am thankful for the opportunity to go to college and try to realize my dreams. I am thankful for another day with my family. I am thankful for the ability to love, hurt, learn, laugh and to forgive. I am thankful for God's presence in my life, cause with out Him I could not have survived a lot of the trials in my life, and there have been many.I am thankful for my friends, though there are not many, the memories and the time we have shared have been grand.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

I updated an older post. Look back to the paper I was going to submit. I added my reasons for not submitting it. It has got to be the time of year that brings this out in me.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I am so overwhelmed with life right now, I think I am going insane...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Oct. 13, 2009
She’s old and not worth the work…..
At least that is what it seems like all the professionals are saying. There is an old woman in my neighborhood and she has schizophrenia.
Currently, I believe she is off of her medication. My husband and son were washing the cars a few weeks ago and she came up to them and started talking. During the conversation she told them she was a doctor and built all the hospitals in the area. She also told them she was a police officer and had once traveled into space. She seemed somewhat harmless, except possibly to herself since she was not of sound mind. When my husband told me of the conversation, our son informed us that she walks the neighborhood all the time and picks up things out of people’s yard. Things like kid’s skateboards, their bikes, etc. My son said he and his friend were out playing and she walked by and picked up his friends skateboard and went walking down the road with it. They had to get his friends dad to retrieve the skateboard as she would not give it back to the kids claiming it was hers. I told my son to make sure he never left anything in the front yard then. I asked my husband if she had told him anything about who she lived with. He said she said something about her husband having died, but was confused about when because she keep changing between months and years as she talked. I was very concerned for several reasons. I figured she had to have someone living with her and wondered, did they know she was out walking alone? I started asking my neighbors about her. The stories they told me, not only scared me a bit, but made me angry. Apparently, the police and Human services are well a where of her state of mind and knew she lived alone. Did I mention this woman is about 70 years old? She has a history of violence. Apparently several years ago her husband was in a nursing home. She went to the nursing home, shut the door to her husbands room, put a chair or something to block the door and commenced to beating her bed ridden husband and his roommate. The police and fire department had to be called to break the door down and stop her. She was admitted to a hospital for six months.
Now I am really getting a bit more concerned and bit scared.
Last week I came home from school. It was one of my long days and I get home about an hour after my youngest son. He’s twelve. I walk in the door and he meets me in the foyer. He tells me the old woman was in our backyard. He said she was sitting on our patio furniture smoking a cigarette. When she finished her cigarette, she walked over to our tomatoes and was looking at them, squeezing them to see if the were ripe and then walked around our yard and eventually left. He said he was scared because the screen door on the porch was unlocked and the sliding door was unlocked as well.
Okay, now I was freaked out. I did not tell my son, but my husband got up early one weekend around 5:30 am and seen the screen door was standing wide open. I had to be at work that morning by 4:00 am, so I was already gone. It had happened one other time after that. We are extremely terrible about leaving our porch and our sliding doors unlocked. So, here I am putting stories together and now fear this poor old woman has been at least on my porch if not inside my house walking around. I call the police (by the way they knew who she was as soon as I gave my address). While I am waiting for them to show up I go to her neighbors and talk to them and they tell me she has no running water and hasn’t for weeks. They had called human services and they have done nothing. I am immediately angry. I go home and wait some more for the police. Four hours later I make another call to the police and they inform me my call came in during shift change and got lost in the shuffle. I’m so freaking glad I wasn’t being stabbed to death by an intruder. They send an officer out another hour later. They female officer comes to my house. I tell her what I know of the woman, that she does not have running water and I feel she has slipped through the cracks of our society and could one day be found dead in her home and been dead for days or weeks before anyone would know. The officer assures me that something will be done especially since she is so old and has no running water. The officer goes to her house and calls me from there. She tells me the old woman is extremely friendly, but denied at first that she was in our back yard, but she admitted that we had a beautiful pool and tomatoes (both are in the backyard). The officer stated that she was of sound mind and was aware she had no running water. I asked the officer if the woman had told her she was a doctor and had built all the hospitals in the area and was a police officer herself? The officer stated, well she has said some pretty outlandish things, but she’s still of sound mind. She also tells me she is going to call human services. I am pissed. How can a person not be insane, but say insane things? The woman is still living in her home with no water. She carries a jug to the lake in our neighborhood and fills it. She walks around her backyard with no clothes on and has no fence. She enters her neighbor’s house without invitations if they forget to lock their doors. She came back to my house just the other day and walked right into my garage through the side door. I wasn’t home, my husband was. He asked her not to enter our home without being asked, she told him she was a police officer and was allowed to enter any home. He did not call the police, he feels it’s a waste of our time, that they will not do anything.
My fear is this woman will die in her home and no one will know for days or worse yet she will enter a home at night and will get shot, or enter a home and possibly hurt someone in their sleep. How in the world can a person have so little value that no one cares? It’s too much paper work. The state will not step in. I want to call the news paper and have a story done on this poor old woman and how she is lost. I can’t help but wonder if the reason she is not on her medication is because she could not afford it. Knew she was going to slip into a world of confusion and just hoped that someone would pull her back from the obis. No one has and from what I understand it has been years. I am angry.
I talked to my Anatomy professor, he use to be the head of the CDC in Atlanta, so I know he is pretty well connected. He shook his head, then asked me, “What are you planning on doing? Are you wanting to help this woman out? Are you wanting to get involved?” I looked at him and said, “I want to help her out of her situation, but I can not go and check on her daily, I don’t have the time or energy to take on a project like that.” He smiled and said, “No and you shouldn’t. Your not a social worker and you are not trained, but now you know what part of the problem is. No one has time, money or the energy to help this woman, and that includes the state. They are over whelmed with cases like these.” Me, “But that makes me angry, this poor old woman is lost in her confusion and could hurt herself or someone else. She has value and everyone acts like she’s too much work.’ He told me of some agencies to call and see if I could get any of them to help, but warned me of the walls I would run into. He warned me not to let this consume me. I would have to learn this as a nurse when to let go, know what my limitations were, or I would burn out way before my time. He said it was the hardest thing to learn to do and it is something that can not be taught in a class room. I know he is right, but there is a part of me that says, maybe that is what is wrong with this world today…too many people let go all too soon and walk away. I can’t do that. It is not in me to walk away and let some helpless person drowned. I would want someone to save me. . .

Monday, October 12, 2009

The paper I was to submit

If you know my story, you'll understand why I have not submitted it.

Trina Moyer
Mrs. Rakauskas
ENC 1101-09B
28 Jan. 2009

The Smallest Things in Life Can Be the Most Important

I used to take for granted many things in life. I assumed that having been married for ten years that my husband would always be there. We were one of many going through the national economic crisis. Our financial problems soon developed into marital problems. I figured we had been through so much together that, “this too shall pass” like the old saying. On November 26, 2007, my husband left me. I was right;pass they certainly did. My marriage just happened to go right along with it. I was 40 years old and my life was in shambles. I was forced to realize how I took my marriage for granted. Just because someone has been there does not mean they always will be.
As I would lie in bed at night crying, I would rehash everything I did and didn’t do. I realized the things that I missed the most about my husband were some of the smallest of things, but are so damned important now. I missed his hands and how they would make me feel so safe. I missed his sounds in the house. It had since become a tomb. I even missed the way he grinded his teeth in the middle of the night that use to annoy the hell out of me. The biggest thing was being out somewhere and not being able to look across the room and find him there smiling back at me.
I had realized in three days what I should have known for ten years. I loved my husband and I was not ready to let him go. It took another three weeks for us to work things out and for my husband to move back home.
We have been back together for just over a year now and my marriage is better than it ever was. I make sure I show him every day just how much he means to me. I let him know I need him as much as I love him. When he places his hand on my back, I take notice and hold on to that feeling. When we are out together and I look for him across the room, my heart skips a beat when I find him looking right back at me. When he grinds his teeth at night, I think it’s the best sound in the world.
Yes, we still have bills. Yes, we are losing our home. As big as that seems to be, it is small in comparison to my marriage. I believe that the smallest things in life can be the most important. They are the things that are not noticed, but have the strongest bond. The first things recalled after losing someone. The very fabric that binds everything you love in life.

You know, what this paper did not say was that the reason I came to all this realization was he not only left, but cheated on me with a skank that was only 27. I had just turned 40 years old 23 days before that. I was overweight, she was crackwhore thin (I'll swear to that on a stack of bibles, crackwhore thin)
It also does not say how I had traded in my dreams for his and work like a man building houses with him for almost 9 years. That I gave up everything that made me happy to make him happy which made me a shell of a person.
Nor does it say that when we were hurting financially that I gave his grandparents Childsupport money meant for my daughter so they wouldn't starve. In thanks for that I was called a worthless piece of shit by his grandmother after my husband cheated on me.
Or that he tried to move the sorry skankwhore in with me and my children cause they had no where to go. Her boyfriend of 5 years and father of her child had cut up all her clothes when he found out and I was expected to feel sorry for her and let them move in and sleep in my bed while I took the couch?
So yeah, I didn't submit this paper to the website. In the paper I took all the blame and yes I did have blame as to where are marriage was, but not for him cheating. Nope that was his cross and shame to bear. He was weak. He was angry and he hurt me the worst way possible. Profoundly. I love my husband, please do not misunderstand. I have forgiven him to an extent, I would like to say completely, but I honestly can't say that yet. I am working on it. I haven't forgotten the man he turned into while we were going through all that. That man is still in him somewhere, it just doesn't go away and I believe that man had always been in there from the beginning, he just loved me so much that I never saw that side of him. Now I am aware, so I don't forget.
This is around the time of year it happened so things are fresh. I caught him with her 4 days after Thanksgiving. He left me a week later and came back the day after Christmas. I lost 50lbs in that short amount of time, now it seems short, but then it was a lifetime long. I realize now that that amount of weight loss in that short amount of time probably had me knocking on deaths door. I could have had a heart attack. I'm learning that through all my classes now.
It will be two years this Christmas, I want to know how much longer till all the anger and pain that flashes back in an instant if I let it will just simply go away? The very first thing I did when we got the internet back was search to see if I could find her. Isn't that just completely crazy? I wanted to know if she was back in the state. I found nothing. This time of year should be the best, but it's not. All I get are flashes and feelings of insecurity. I want what I can not have and helped to some extent to destroy.

Hug your special someone and ask yourself, do you want to lose this person? Then do all that you can to listen, love and grow and make sure they know.

October 9, 2009
Getting Back into the swing of Things.
I have come to the realization that I have become bland, or at least my writing has. I use to be so creative and have at least something interesting to say, but I have notta.
For the past Year and a half, I have done nothing but work and go to school. You know the old saying, “All work and no play makes Johnny a bland boy” Well except for the boy part, that’s totally me.
I thought college made you a more rounded person? My husband says I have changed a lot, become more responsible. He said it like I had the plague. I always thought being responsible was a “good” thing. College has made me grow-up, yes at 42 years of age I did need to grow-up. I was very naive about the world and how it worked. I was always afraid to venture to far out in it.
By the way I am aware that I write in fragmented sentences, My Comm. I teacher let me know that right away. Mrs. Hitler, she was that. Mind you she was a good teacher in the sense that she was passionate about English, writing papers and such, but rigid is not a strict enough word for her. Most professors will work with you on certain things and help you find a solution for you situation or at least point you in the right direction. This woman would not budge an inch. Several people broke down in her class bawling including me at one point.
I think she took it as a sign she was doing her job right if she had a student was in tears at least once a week. We started out with 25 – 30 students in the class. By exam time, we had 10 left. Yes, I stuck it out. She made the mistake of making me cry and when that happens, I did in and plan my victory. I came out with a B in that class. When the next semester started I left a note on her office door saying that I made the Dean’s list, what it did not say was, “in spite of you”.
I did write a paper in her class that she encouraged me to submit to a website called “This I Believe” I think it was. That was the subject we had to write on and was the main theme for the website. I have not submitted the paper. The paper was half the story I wanted to write, she edited out a lot and limited the amount of words. The story came out as a half truth. Maybe I will post it here and you will see what I am talking about. It was written on a personal matter. It was suppose to be.
You know, I have to say Jock helped me through that class because I kept thinking about what kind of blogs he would write about this woman. How very funny and descriptive they would be. It would have been fun to have taken the class with him.
Switching modes…We have moved. Yes, we lost the house. I blame it on my husband’s extra marital project he acquired and I put a stop to quick like, 2 years ago. We have lived in the new house for a year now. I love it and if the bank called me up to give us the old house back for free, I’d tell them to shove it. We have an in ground pool, a great back yard. Who ever lived here before must have known and loved plants a lot. We have a tropical paradise. With each season new plants come up and bloom. We just walk around the yard to see what new plants we can find. There is always some sort of flower blooming in the back. It’s really cool.
Oh, more about the house…. There are three bedrooms and two baths. I have an office to do my homework in that looks out over the pool and back yard, major cool. We have a dinning room that has a skylight and a sunken living room. The kitchen is a bit smaller than the other house, but it is more functional so it balances out. There’s also a two car garage, which my husband loves and a laundry room, which I love. It’s a much nicer house than what we had before and the rent is way less than what our mortgage was. I am happy here. I would love to buy this house, but we just don’t have the funds or the credit now to do it. Who knows, maybe one day.
We have already decorated the house for Halloween. This yard is way super cool to decorate. We have tombstones one with a skeleton coming up out of one. We have a large bat hanging from a tree and a ghost that flies through the air up to the house when noise activated. We have scary pumpkins sitting through out the yard and the “graveyard” and we even have a very large spider web we spread across the front of the house and put spiders all in. My husband even put small rats in it.
We love Halloween. It’s our favorite holiday other than Christmas and the 4th of July. Christmas being top of course. One of the reasons I love it so much is that my birthday is the day after Halloween. As a child I always thought that Halloween was part of my birthday. I thought everyone was celebrating my birthday…I was a very spoiled child.
We’ve bought a lot of scary movies to watch, of course we never get to actually sit down and watch them cause of our busy schedules. If I am not at school, I am at work or taking kids to tutoring or a night class. My oldest son is short 1 credit so he must take a night class to graduate on time. This totally sucks for me, since I am doing the driving. My husband works Monday-Friday. I am at school Monday-Thursday. I work every weekend (Friday-Sunday) and one night during the week. Then there’s homework to do. Which, obviously I am not doing right now. Hey, a girl needs some down time. I have been so stressed out that I have had shingles twice this year. They always breakout in the exact same place…right on my lower lumbar region, superior to my sacral (have to use my new anatomy terminology) in other words on my spine right above my ass.
If you do not know what shingles are, they are very painful. They are a mutated form of chicken pox virus. In fact, it is caused by having had chicken pox before. The virus lies dormant in your spinal column and when you are under stress it breaks out in the form of very painful, but itchy deep blisters that follow neurons. Now isn’t that a bitch.
My alarm just went off…it’s time to get ready for work. Just as well since this blog is fives pages long and just a blabber of nothing. I’ll have to tell you next time about the woman in our neighborhood who has schizophrenia and is off medication.
Take Care…

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

It seems all I have time for is updates. My life is completely different than it was just two years ago. I am still in college trying to get all my required classes taken care so that I may apply to nursing school. I take 4 classes each semester. This semester I have Anatomy II, Psychology, Nutrition and Algebra.
My favorite class is anatomy by far. I will be sad when it is over because Dr. Harvey has been the greatest teacher. He knows what he is talking about and he makes us learn what we need to know and not just memorize it all.
I am currently on the Dean's list, but that can change with each semester. I guess the main reason why that is important to me is because getting into nursing school is so hard. Acceptance into the program is based on points. Most of your points come from classes taken and you guessed it, your GPA. You have to stand out in the crowd to get in and my way of helping to stand out is getting the highest GPA I can. It's alot of hard work.
I am also working. I am a Glorified assistant manager of a convieant store. They work with my schedule so that great. It's better than throwing papers at night.
My husband is currently employed doing construction. No, it is not for our own company...those days are gone....but for someone else.
My children are all doing great. My daughter just got her GED and is going to start college where I attend next fall. She is also getting her Driver's license...I am a bit scared of that. She turns 21 on the 8th of this say a prayer for her and me, I would really deeply appreciate it.
My oldest son graduates high school this year and is planning on joining the air force. Why do the choices your children make have to scare you so much??? I keep asking that, but have found no answer.
My youngest will graduate from elementary school this year. Middle school lies ahead of him. He is doing good as well. He is a miniature of my husband, right down to his toes.
Life in general is very good, but really busy. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to have time for myself. I no sooner get caught up, then I go to class and end up with 3 projects do in two weeks. No wonder so many kids drink while in college. There is alot of stress in getting everything done and not just done and turned in, but done to where you know your going to get a good grade.
Last week, I did something that I never ever do, I waited till the night before a psychology research paper was to to even start it. I just plain did not have time to do it. Well, I came home from work at mid-night and wrote that dang paper from scratch. I turn it in the next day and got a flipping 96 on that paper. I was really shocked.
Guess what I just ran out of? Time. I have to go folks. Got work in an hour.
Take care....

Monday, December 01, 2008

Yes, it is truely me...

Loooong time.
I'm in college now, almost done with my first semister. I have loved every minute of it and can't believe I waited so long to do this. I look forward to every class ( well maybe with the exception of the times I must present a presentation of some sort..HATE that crap). I love, love, love my medical terminology class. The instructor is great and makes the class fun. I am hoping to have him for A&P next semister.
Husband and I are still together and doing great. It has been a year exactly since the incident. Yes, I still have my moments but they are getting fewer and far between. I know it sounds crazy, but in many ways my marriage is better for it. We now understand just what we have to loose and what it would mean to loose it. We hold on to each other a little more tightly and a lot more lovingly.
I started keeping a hand written journal last January and well, that has been my release for my emotions. I just haven't had time to get on line. College and my home life takes up just about all my time these.
Hope every one has a wonderful Holiday Season. I will keep you all in my prayers. God Bless.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day!

Life is Grand! Hope all may experience the love I have in my life, current and past. Life is certainly treating me better these days. Wishing evryone a lovely wonderful day.


Monday, February 11, 2008

old & New

The other night my husband was joking around saying,"who ever gave you those diamond earrings must really love you, did you know that?" I had to quickly turn my head and say yes. The tears just stung my eyes as I tried to hold them back. Yeah, I knew the man that gave them to me use to love me more than life itself.....The new man...the man that cheated....I can't tell you that I know 100% for sure he still loves me like that at all.....

Moments like these are very hard to get through. It's the simplest of things that hurt the most.

Never take any one for may never know when they may be gone...


Thursday, January 31, 2008

Back Together

My Husband and I are back together again. We have been back together since the day after Christmas. Yes, it has been quit hard at times. I go through a roller coaster of emotions. I get very angry at times when I think about what all he did and said....but having said me stupid...I love him. He seems to love me as well, but then I am always questioning whether or to trust what he says and does...I also don't trust my own emotions at times. I check his phone all the time. I question how long it took him to go to the store, etc. It was really bad at first, but it has gotten easier. But...still.

Yes she is pregnant, but it seems she was pregnant before she got together with my husband. She's one of those cons looking for someone to take advantage of. She nailed my husband for sure. My husband was keeping in some contact with her at first because the question of him being father or not. He has since quit his job and is without a job at the moment...guess what? She lost interest in him. She is now going to get back with her old live in know the one she left for my husband?!

The boyfriend had moved out of state not long after this all happened. He is suspposedly coming back this weekend to see his daughter and to pick Buffy..yes, Buffy up. She says it is only while he has their daughter, but who yeah fooling? This is sooo Jerry Springer that I can't believe this is my life right now. She is still trying to use my husband to some extent, but he has now seen the light. She tried calling him the other night at 4AM...yes 4AM cause she thought I was at work. I answered the phone and said," Nice try Buffy....not gonna happen" Did I tell you I kicked her out of my husbands house? Well I did. Walked right in their and told her to pack her shit and get the fuck out...she promptly did. She's a bit afraid of me...and the evil side of me loves it...the sainer side of me is afraid she really needs to be....

But to end this for now...Hubby and I are doing well for the moment..who knows what tomorrow will bring...I'm leaving it in GOD's capable hands.

Love to all

Monday, December 24, 2007

an update on my turned upside down life....

where should I start???? Beginning....Middle...End? Not too sure I'm at the end yet...somehow. Let's start at Thanksgiving or well 4 days after. As you know my husband got a promotion at work. We were excited.... that's hard for me to believe now. Anyway, with the promotion came a girlfriend. Yes, a girlfriend. My husband and I have been seperated since Nov 26. My world is upside down. She's probably pregnant as well,but here's the kicker.....she is not totally sure it is my husbands. She had a live in boyfriend of five years who was cheated on as well. The thing is, he has a problem with producing the proper amount of sperm. They do have one child together though, so it is possible it is his. That's not all, this whole situation is like a Jerry Springer episode, she has been cheating on my husband with her ex while he has been cheating on her with me. They both found out the truth yesterday and guess what???? They are still together.

I have over 10 years with this man and my heart is being riped out. I feel as if I can't breath properly. The deeper I breath the deeper the pain. He tells me to give him until after the holidays. I'm like for what? Isn't this my holiday too? And what exactly am I waiting for? The big annoucement he isn't coming back even though he professes his love for me? Says he can't stop thinking about me.... I am hurting so bad. I have no idea how I am going to make it through without him.

On a brighter note, I have lost 40 lbs in the month this has gone on. Yes I could stand to lose that much and a bit more. Which is coming off daily. I have went and had my hair cut. I had my nils done and actually I ook better than I did ten years ago. Must be why the hubby is confused.

Another bright note, I had to take my GED during all this and passed it in spite of it. I don't know my scores as they haven't come yet. They won't tell you those over the phone. So, I am hoping to start the mini-seimester in march. Yep I'm still gonna go to college. I am trying to keep what dreams I have left alive

Please pray for me and my husband. I know I am stupid, but I want him back. I know, I know.....I belong on the Springer show. But please keep us in your [prayers.