Friday, July 15, 2011
For once in my life I realize that I absolutely am powerless over life and it is a had pill to swallow. I always thought that if something needed to be done, then there was always a way of getting it done. There was nothing I couldn't do and nothing could ever stand in my way until two days ago when my 22 year old daughter called me to tell me she has cirrhosis of the liver. If she doesn't stop drinking immediately then she has less than 7 years to live. She thinks it is reversible, but it is not. Once the damage has been done it is done. All you can do is stop the progression of the disease. I know this when she tells me. I understand more than she does. I am trying to stay calm for her when inside I and scared, terrified of what she has just told me. One, she has a terrible drinking problem that she has not been able to get under control and now she has to stop cold turkey or she will die in less than 7 years?!?!!! There is no word for the fear I have been feeling. She must be on a low sodium and low cholesterol diet the rest of her life and that is just the beginning.
I am angry. I am so angry...... I am angry that my great great ancestors felt fit to corrupt our genes with mental and physical abuse. That these genes have found their way into my life and has now stolen a part of my daughters life. I thought I stopped it when I left Jay, but I was fooling myself. The damage was already done, the abuse went too deep and she has not been able to get past it.I am angry at my ancestors for not stopping it before it reached me, my children, my daughter. Had my mother not been abused then she would not have married two child molesters. One having been my father. No my father never molested me, but he did my oldest sister. When I married Jay, I more or less married my father. Unlike my mother, I put the abuser of my child and me in prison. I thought with therapy it would be done with. My mistake was not doing long term therapy. My daughter was acting like a very normal child and I stopped my therapy because it was to painful. It seemed to keep things at the surface and too raw. When she entered her teen years I should have restarted the therapy for her, but she refused and said she was over all that years ago and she was no longer a victim. I committed the fatal mistake of denial and wanting to believe that she was right and what she was doing was being a normal teenager who was acting out. It is amazing how we can lie to ourselves. She refused therapy and said she would not participate. I did not make her go. My mother blames my husband and his family for her drinking because they drink. I know she blames me for staying with my husband as well. She is in denial as well. This is fully my fault and the cycle of abuse that my family has fallen into. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to keep from passing it on to my grandchildren. It has already touched my children.
No. It is not too late to make changes. No this is not a direct death sentence for my daughter if we fight hard enough against her disease. Yes, her life has been possibly shortened, but it is not over. I have not given up, I just do not know what to do. When she was laying in that hospital bed and they were flushing the alcohol from her system and I was watching her convulse with the pain. She looks at me and says, "One day I will make you proud of me mom." I just looked at her and said, "You very silly girl, I have been proud of you since birth. There hasn't been one single day that has passed that I have not been proud of you." I love that child with every fiber of my being and I have no idea why God blessed me with such a special child knowing what was in store for her because of my past. I have no idea why God allowed me to have children when I had no business doing so. Do not get me wrong. I love my children with all my heart, but I have passed on to them certain traits that has condemned them in a way. A father's sins shall be passed on to his children, I know now exactly what that means but how much more do we owe until that debt is paid?