The paper I was to submit

If you know my story, you'll understand why I have not submitted it.

Trina Moyer
Mrs. Rakauskas
ENC 1101-09B
28 Jan. 2009


The Smallest Things in Life Can Be the Most Important


I used to take for granted many things in life. I assumed that having been married for ten years that my husband would always be there. We were one of many going through the national economic crisis. Our financial problems soon developed into marital problems. I figured we had been through so much together that, “this too shall pass” like the old saying. On November 26, 2007, my husband left me. I was right;pass they certainly did. My marriage just happened to go right along with it. I was 40 years old and my life was in shambles. I was forced to realize how I took my marriage for granted. Just because someone has been there does not mean they always will be.
As I would lie in bed at night crying, I would rehash everything I did and didn’t do. I realized the things that I missed the most about my husband were some of the smallest of things, but are so damned important now. I missed his hands and how they would make me feel so safe. I missed his sounds in the house. It had since become a tomb. I even missed the way he grinded his teeth in the middle of the night that use to annoy the hell out of me. The biggest thing was being out somewhere and not being able to look across the room and find him there smiling back at me.
I had realized in three days what I should have known for ten years. I loved my husband and I was not ready to let him go. It took another three weeks for us to work things out and for my husband to move back home.
We have been back together for just over a year now and my marriage is better than it ever was. I make sure I show him every day just how much he means to me. I let him know I need him as much as I love him. When he places his hand on my back, I take notice and hold on to that feeling. When we are out together and I look for him across the room, my heart skips a beat when I find him looking right back at me. When he grinds his teeth at night, I think it’s the best sound in the world.
Yes, we still have bills. Yes, we are losing our home. As big as that seems to be, it is small in comparison to my marriage. I believe that the smallest things in life can be the most important. They are the things that are not noticed, but have the strongest bond. The first things recalled after losing someone. The very fabric that binds everything you love in life.


You know, what this paper did not say was that the reason I came to all this realization was he not only left, but cheated on me with a skank that was only 27. I had just turned 40 years old 23 days before that. I was overweight, she was crackwhore thin (I'll swear to that on a stack of bibles, crackwhore thin)
It also does not say how I had traded in my dreams for his and work like a man building houses with him for almost 9 years. That I gave up everything that made me happy to make him happy which made me a shell of a person.
Nor does it say that when we were hurting financially that I gave his grandparents Childsupport money meant for my daughter so they wouldn't starve. In thanks for that I was called a worthless piece of shit by his grandmother after my husband cheated on me.
Or that he tried to move the sorry skankwhore in with me and my children cause they had no where to go. Her boyfriend of 5 years and father of her child had cut up all her clothes when he found out and I was expected to feel sorry for her and let them move in and sleep in my bed while I took the couch?
So yeah, I didn't submit this paper to the website. In the paper I took all the blame and yes I did have blame as to where are marriage was, but not for him cheating. Nope that was his cross and shame to bear. He was weak. He was angry and he hurt me the worst way possible. Profoundly. I love my husband, please do not misunderstand. I have forgiven him to an extent, I would like to say completely, but I honestly can't say that yet. I am working on it. I haven't forgotten the man he turned into while we were going through all that. That man is still in him somewhere, it just doesn't go away and I believe that man had always been in there from the beginning, he just loved me so much that I never saw that side of him. Now I am aware, so I don't forget.
This is around the time of year it happened so things are fresh. I caught him with her 4 days after Thanksgiving. He left me a week later and came back the day after Christmas. I lost 50lbs in that short amount of time, now it seems short, but then it was a lifetime long. I realize now that that amount of weight loss in that short amount of time probably had me knocking on deaths door. I could have had a heart attack. I'm learning that through all my classes now.
It will be two years this Christmas, I want to know how much longer till all the anger and pain that flashes back in an instant if I let it will just simply go away? The very first thing I did when we got the internet back was search to see if I could find her. Isn't that just completely crazy? I wanted to know if she was back in the state. I found nothing. This time of year should be the best, but it's not. All I get are flashes and feelings of insecurity. I want what I can not have and helped to some extent to destroy.

Hug your special someone and ask yourself, do you want to lose this person? Then do all that you can to listen, love and grow and make sure they know.

Vital