This Christmas I feel like a lone tree. Somehow Christmas has left me and I long for days of past when I was so filled with the Christmas spirit that it flowed from my very being. Gone are those days. I am sadden and I have no tools to turn this around. There is turmoil within my family and it is not a quick fix and I am not even sure that it can be.

My husband and I are fine but it is our family that is surrounded by turmoil, immediate and extended included. I haven't even started decorating this year. I am always the one who decorates the store and this year I half halfheartedly put decorations along the front counter and that is where I stopped. It is not in me this year. I can't find it and I am not sure I have the strength too.

On an up note, I guess my crabby neighbor is glad. He always com[plains about how bright my house is each year. every year he comes into my store and says thankfully, "I see your took your Christmas lights down. Your house was so Bright it lite the whole street up." I always followed with, " You should be thankful we didn't get a chance to put them ALL up this year." He just looks at me then walks away. I swear each year that I will add more but, this year I will be lucky to get a few up.

My daughter has been drunk more days than sober the last 6 months. Last night her roommates were going to have her Baker Acted. The police refused...assholes. She needed to be Baker Acted. She was threatening to break a window and cut her wrists and her roommates had to restrain her. She called my mother thinking she had called me and was begging for her to come get her and then abruptly hung up. My mother called me back frantic and then the blame game started and we hung up on not good terms. I am waiting on a call from my sister who will them give me a tongue lashing about how my mother is almost 70 years old and I should just keep my mouth shut when she starts saying things because she is old. Maybe I should have, but I have bitten my tongue so much that I feel I have bitten the end right off and there is no more to clinch down on. She blames my husband, his grandmother and she won't come straight out and say it, but me as well. last night I confronted her on her rude and mean comments and she went ballistic. She started saying she had to get off the phone because I have upset her too much and she could feel her body reacting to the stress I had caused her. She reminded me several times that In had not been the ideal child and had a very sharp tongue. I guess I inherited it from you dear mother. I will admit I have often stated my opinions in the not so best of situations before. As I have grown older I have curbed that quite a bit. In my defense I was a child, what is her excuse? I love my mother dearly even though it does not seem so to the outsider at the moment. She was always there for me in the past. Since I have moved away our relationship has changed. I am now the black sheep that must watch every step or phone calls from the middle sister (the only one that calls) will come in. I haven't talked on the phone with my oldest sister in 12 years nor on facebook for that matter. She never responds to me. So be it.

My husband's grandmother is fighting with her children. One of her daughters told her that the grandmother could not ever move in with her if her Father died. She had better make plans to move into an old folks home. She was serious. Grandpop may not make it to another Christmas. He does not look good and is shutting down socially. He drinks heavily. Funny how he stopped all his meds so as the alcohol and meds mixed won't kill him. He doesn't realize not taking the meds is killing him. Nor does he realize the amount of alcohol he drinks is killing him faster. He goes no where. Never leaves the house unless it is to make sure Gram buys him more beer. 12 twelve packs must be kept in the closet at all times.

We are having Christmas at the Grandmothers this year because grandpop will not leave the house. The daughter decided this and has further made things bad between daughter and mother. It is a mess. Everyone is fussing about small things as well.

I plan on having our very own Christmas dinner with just the immediate family. We will do this when my son is able to come home in January. This will be our first Christmas apart.

Say a prayer for my family...We NEED it.