All Wrapped Up With a Bow

Ahhhhh. The satisfaction of being ready, all gifts bought, house decorated and yes the non-Charlie Brown tree has also been bought and decorated.

My daughter and her girlfriend spent the weekend with us last weekend. I loved every minute of it. We all decorated the tree together. I think this tree is the most beautiful tree we have had in many years. I'll have to post a picture of it soon.

This Christmas has to be one of the best in many a year. The family is all gathering here again. My family is finally healing from past hurts. I am thankful of this. I have prayed for God to teach me how to let go and though moments of memories flash up, they are not as hurtful. I am overwhelmed by a feeling of love that somehow has broken through the rage and left me with the satisfaction and knowledge that the space she has been renting in my brain is at the end of it's lease. Thank-you God. I was fearful of this time of year and how it would effect me and him. I was always afraid he would think of her and miss her. I have imagined and allowed myself to believe she still had some kind of hold on my husband, but for some reason, I am more confident in his love for me. Our foundation is becoming more firm and I am starting to believe in it. That is a scary thing for me to admit. My whacked up way of thinking is to believe in the worst, that way you are prepared for it and if nothing bad happens, then all the better. I know it is a self preservation way of thinking, but what a horrible way to live. In fact it is a fear of living. I don't want to live that way anymore. There, that is my New Years resolution, to live without fear and to believe good things are meant for me and that I do deserve them. I think I thought to believe I deserved good things was to believe I was better than others....isn't that crazy? Everyone deserves good things to happen in their life. I somehow thought I wasn't worthy. And do you know what is messed up about that thinking? It is that if you don't think your worthy neither does anyone else and that's why they treat you the way they do. I have become my own therapist, it's a shame, I'll have no one to sue if I become worse due to said therapy.

On another note( a lame attempt to make this lighter), I had a great weekend off if you don't count the 5:00 am , 5:39 am, 6:00 am phone calls wondering where the key for the ice chest was. I finally answered the phone saying, " did you look beside the lotto machine where it is always kept?" Co-worker, "umm, no....Oh here it is, thanks" Me, "What wonders, imagine that?" I hang-up. Ok, I know that was rude, but it was the first whole weekend off in over 9 months when I could sleep in next to my hubby. I had talked about it all week long about how I was going to be able to sleep in with my hubby because with mine and his schedule, that never happens. My days off are never with his. Co-worker was well aware of this. Co-worker is well aware of where the keys are kept. On Monday I found out that they had called my boss as well, but he turned his cell phone off when he listened to the message. This made matters worse. He is salary while I am hourly. I do not get paid when answering calls at home about work. F_ _ker. Ok, lighter note was not achieved.

I already know what hubby has gotten me for Christmas, no I did not snoop, I pouted it out of him, but he will not allow me to have them until Christmas day, you know...after work...sigh...
So, I am not going to tell you what it is until then either, so there..all must suffer...I am sure you are hanging on to your seat from that one, still, I will not tell other than to say it is killing me to wait. I think knowing and having to wait is worse, for me that is.


Now it is off to work for me....I won't have another day off until Monday, boss is leaving for his vacation at noon today and I will be in charge of the store. It's a given it will be a shambles when he gets back. I am not yet trained for taking over the store. I have told him this and his answer is, "No worries, but promise me you will still be here when I get back?" Me, "Sure I will, with my two week notice in hand..." He knows I was kidding, with this economy, who's gonna quit their job? He may lose his for not making sure I was trained properly, But me...I will still be there..I hope.

Vital