Burn Out

Not exactly sure what is going o with me today... I'm in a very depressed mode. I think I'm over tired and the last 4 days have been full of timed tests and I have another to look forward to on Tuesday. Because of my Tabe test scores, the instructor thought it would be a good idea to give me a GED pretest, that was after she decided she also wanted to give me a math test to see where I was at in math. Tuesday is the essay part of the test. I am whooped. My brain is on melt down. I didn't get much sleep last night either.

I am tired of the tests, I just want to be taught something. I'm in a hurry. I want my life back...well, the new life I have planned.


Did I mention my husband is being very supportive of me going back to school? Well, he is. He's great. I don't tell him enough how much I love him. I don't ever tell him all the wonderful things I say in my mind to him when we are apart, in the same room together...I know I should say these things, but I don't. I'm jaded this way. Too much life happened in wrong proportions. Maybe one day he will read my blog. I think it is the reason I write it. He doesn't know me..not the real me. The real me I hide. The part I am afraid to let out...afraid of the last fragile part of me shattering. No one knows this part of me,but maybe my mother...she has seen glimpses, before I hide and sometimes when I let myself shine for her for a few moments. When I cross that stage for graduation, I'm gonna holler,"I did it Momma", she always knew I could.

When I graduate, I will be her only child with a degree. Donna could and should have been a lawyer, but my daddy took his toll on her life...She works at a ware house, has for over 20 years. She has a good paying job. She went to Germany for the company she works for to train anew line there. She very smart. She is the smartest of the 3 of us. She was tested as a child, borderline geneis. She plays the stock market. She paid for 2 kid's college and a pool that way.
She has taken many classes at college, but never quite got her degree.

My other sister Rhonda is taking classes now. Her boss is paying for it. They will help her with her current job, but she is not going to get a degree.

Sometimes I wonder how we all would have turned out had we not had our father as a father? I'm glad I don't know. To know the exact damage he has laid upon us would probably send me to the physc ward. I married the image of my father when I married my ex-husband. The knowledge of that is enough to almost break me. I got out faster than my mother did. I pressed charges when my mother didn't. I found out before I left my ex- husband. My mother didn't know until years after visitation with my dad.

Thinking of the future and my graduation day has brought up many emotions. I know who I want there, but there is one I want to only have a birds eye view, just so he can see....just so I can say, " See daddy, I survived you." That statement will be whispered as I cross the stage.