More confessions...

Ok...Not sure if everyone caught this, but A few weeks ago,hubby and I had a huge blow out. It lead to me packing and leaving my husband. it was one of the single most hardest things I have ever done. One...I still loved my husband very much, but could not go on like we were, Two...my yongest son is not my blood child, even though I love him as if he were my very own. He is only 9 and I have been his mother since he was 3 months old...there is a story behind this, but it is for another day....so when I left, I not only left my husband, but one of my children. Before I left state, heck left the county, I wanted to turn back around and go home. I couldn't though...Hubby and I needed the time away to evaluate what we wanted out of this marriage, to see how much we were willing to fight for it. We needed it to scare the crap out of us cause we are both so subborn we wouldn't have changed any other way. Took me 10 hours to get to TN...my sisters house. We got in about 2:30 am...found where we would sleep..got 2 of my kids settled...missing my youngest even more at this point...go to my own room and lay there....waiting for morning..waiting for what had happened to sink in. Hubby calls at 10:00 am. Asks me to come home, I say not just yet, there are things needed to be said, things needed to be changed...so we talked....I spilled my guts about how I felt, things I couldn't say before hand....then he spilt his....we realized nothing we said actually mattered anymore....we just wanted to be back together. I was gone a total of 5 days, Hubby had come to get me after 3. We stayed the extra 2 days so hubby could rest for the drive back and I could see my mother. I have lived 14 years away from home out of the 38 I have been alive away from home. The 14 years have been one long stretch except for 2 years somewhere in there. My mother is getting older and it scares me being so far away.
We are now back home. We are getting along better than ever, but we have had our moments when stress has bubbled to the surface in anger. I hope we can survive me having left. Hubby has some anger where that is concerned. He feels I abandoned him and left him with all the crap to deal with. He doesn't realize that was not what I was doing, of course from his perspective it looked that way, but I had no intention of bailing and leaving him with all the bills, infact I did not want to leave at all, but felt I was against the wall...and in vital fashion..came out swinging. I was in pain, scared, no one to talk to, but his family...no help there, kinda one sided ya know.... No friends of my own here, no chance to make any...most of the time I have been a house wife or working with my husband...no other women there, ya know....It has been a long haul here in Florida with no suport system. Hubby was always hard to talk to about bills. He blew his top if a bill was a day late or he thought it was a bit high even if it was not within my control (like our electric bill, it has doubled and not due to more use, but because of fuel prices going up...on my bill it states clearly that the fuel charge will be more than half our bill..fuel charge: 187.00 my cost for what I actually use in electric: 194.00 = $381.00 electric bill) I always handled the bills. He always expected me to pull a golden egg out of my arse and usually I did, but my golden egg laying days are over with. The bills coming in out weighed the money coming in and peter shot paul cause I robbed him too much...I had tried to explain what was going on, but hubby handles stress like a child handles getting it's sucker taken away or worse..he shuts down and does NOTHING and I mean nothing. I seen this happen after the hurricanes. We lost 2 crews and it took him months before he got out of his shell and go back to work himself with me in tow. So...here goes..the bombshell I laid on him that I am now confessing to you...I had to tell him we were behind on the house payments and fixing to go into foreclosure...yeah....I thought I had it taken care of, but after I paid a huge lump some to buy myself a payment plan from said morgage company.....Worked slowed to only 1 house a month....Missed another payment that had been bargained to 2250 a month....most of that legal fees. I was only 3 months behind at a payment of 729.00 amonth....they slapped me with fees out the wazoo. I couldn't do it so back to foreclosure I went. I had to tell him. Hence the flight to Tn...hence the mistrust from him...Hence he is taking care of all the bills now...( I am jumping for joy here as he is learning how hard it was to manage) Hence us shutting down the business and us getting normal jobs that pay every week. Did I mention that in this time we were trying to help his grandparents out too during all this? There are 3 children by said grandparents and 3 grandchildren old enough for jobs, but hubby, who is the oldest grandchild, was the only one pitching in on a regular basis's.... Drowning is not the word for what was happening to us.... but, back to the present....we are now currently trying to fight for our home and keep our marriage together. I feel like I was a theif in the night stealing away our life cause I could not come to my husband with our financial trouble. I have to say I now understand men that get into finanical trouble who commit suicide instead of facing their family with what is going on. I did not spend money on clothing, hair and nails...infact my own hair has not seen the inside of a salon in over a year. My nails have never been professionaly done. Most of my clothes are jersy shorts for work and T'shirts. Tennis shoes and work boots. Yes, I couple of out fits I may wear to church, but they are over 3 years old. I did not squander our money on silly things. Our income just no longer matched our bills, but only because our business income dropped over 100,000.00 in 1 year. That can sink anybodies ship in a hurry.
Ok....I'm done bearing all today.....Please don't judge me too harshly....