Well, hubby is off to work today. It has been along time since he has worked for someone else...I am a bit worried about that. He tends to do things the way He wants them done and hasn't had to deal with someone looking over his shoulder the whole time. This is also the first time in years that I will not be working with him, oh sure I missed a day here and there, but not work with him at all...it has been a long time. My husband is a bit insecure. Let me show an example: New neighbor moves in next door. He is recently divorced, more my age than hubby is, works for the city...etc. Hubby comes home has a conversation with neighbor(finds all this out with first conversation) comes in the house and first thing out of his mouth is," I just met your future boyfriend" He immedately found a need for me a work and I have been there ever since. That was over 3 years ago. Since then though he has realized that said neighbor likes them young, reeaal young and the neighbor and I do NOT get along too well. Neighbor has a daughter that is a year older than my son. Birds and bees got involved and my son and his daughter started liking each other. One day my son was sitting next to his daughter and my son laid his head in his daughters lap. Neighbor crosses the street calling his daughter all kinds of names, then turns to my son who is only 15 at the time and tells my son that if he lays another hand on his daughter he will kick his ass all over the place. He says this while screaming in my son's face. Needless to say the mother bear in me came out and I set the neighbor straight. I think my neighbor is an idiot for numerous reasons....so yes now hubby is more secure about the neighbor, but he is still a very insecure man for some crazy reason. I have never cheated on him, the thought has never crossed my mind. My past history makes me not like men very much. I just don't trust them, period. Anyone that knows my past will understand this. If you are a friend of mine and you are male, well then you must have an extrodinary character. Every male in my life, excluding my husband, has hurt my mother, sisters, me and my kids. I don't have much room for error at this point in my life. I just don't have it to give. My husband should know this as I would hardly give him the time of day when we first met. I was in total "man hating mode". Back then if you were male you were taking up vauable space, wheither you had wronged me or not. I once told a man at my old job, "if you ever touch me again I will break your arm off". Ok, now he was coming on to me, but he had only touched my arm and not in a threatening way....I just wasn't having it. I also had another male...who was a customer at a deli/gas/convient store I worked at who would not take no for an answer ( and by the way his wife worked with me and was working up front at the time I did this) ....He came back to the deli...he ordered a cheese burger. The grill was where you could still look out over the counter and if a customer got too close could get poped with grease. While I was cooking his burger he kept coming on to me, telling me that I was gonna find him in the back of my car one night after closing. His mistake was he leaned over the counter a bit too close...I flipped his burger a bit fast and hard...grease sprayed him in the face... He left without his burger, but it did not deter him...I eventually got promoted to another store as manager. That was back in TN where the "home grown" men need to be neutered to keep them at home and sometimes that still doesn't work. Funny, I never did marry a man from TN, I think that was one of the reasons why I never did. I just didn't realize that men are men all over the world. There are rare men out there that are good, true, men of honor, but I just don't have much patients with finding out these days. I know that is harsh and cold. I know God will one day soften my heart in that respect, but right now God has alot of work to do on me and I don't think it is a high priority on His list right now. .....but, like I said, my hubby should know he has nothing to fear about me cheating or leaving for another man. I'm just to dang old and jaded to start over, especially with another man.....forget it...I have enough trouble and drama in my life, I'm not looking for more. My plate needs sideboards as it is.
I guess that is why I'm kinda closed up about my feelings too. I don't share them as I should. I hate being hugged. I know that is crazy, but I do. I feel like that person is in my space. The only people that can hug me is my kids, husband, my mother and my best friend. I have trouble with my sisters hugging me. I know, it's weird. You can not come up behind me with out me turning on you to see what your doing. That comes from ex husband. I can not feel trapped either in any way, weither it is physical or emotional, I will come out fighting. Hubby still struggles with this. He doesn't understand my immediate anger at this. I doubt he ever will, you just can't unless you have been through similar situations.
Well, I have opened up enough for today. It's time to pull back and put that old mask on. It has become more my face than the real one. The real one is too painful to bear.....